How to Find The Real You
“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
—David Foster Wallace
The new moon was beautiful, but it lasted only so long. Once it was over, it was over.
In time, perfection is tainted by life’s hurried blemishes, to die a thousand deaths.
We often look at the things we enjoy—relationships, experiences, possessions—and we want to hold on to them forever. We expect that these things will continue to add the same value to our lives, day in and day out. However, they don't and we tend to hang on to that past value for dear life, like a wild animal to its season's first food.
And letting go of distractions or huge mental burdens (that can also become physical as stress and worries pile up), can be just that type of feat.
Today, I hope I can share some techniques for letting go of emotional suffering. The best way to get rid of painful and negative emotions is to let them go. Learning to let go of the emotions is extremely difficult.
Letting go of emotional suffering associated with negative emotions is not the same thing as letting go of the emotions themselves. Letting go of suffering is a process that we can learn. We do not mean pushing away or sitting on the emotions. The emotions are valid and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful. What we are talking about is dealing with these emotions in a new way that will relieve some of the sufferings that go with them.
In learning to let go of our emotional suffering,
we use mindfulness to observe and describe the emotions and
We learn to get some distance from our emotions, to stand back and observe them. If we can get a distance, we can see them more clearly. Try getting some distance from a painful emotion that you have. Put it over there and look at it, maybe as if it were on a screen or a stage.
Describe in words what the experience of that emotion is like. This also helps to give you distance and perspective. By looking at your emotions, you are exposing yourself to them, looking and describing, not necessarily acting on them, and not being swallowed by or overwhelmed by them.
It is not always easy. But it can be life-changing.
In this blog, you can find a few steps that have made it easier for me to let go over the years.
I hope they will help you too.
Step 1: Know the benefits of not letting go.
Why is it sometimes hard to let go of something?
Well, to be honest, there are advantages and benefits to not letting go. At least for instant gratification and in the short run.
You get to keep feeling like you are right. And like the other person is wrong. And that can be a pleasant feeling and way to look at the situation at hand.
You can assume the victim role. And get the attention, support, and comfort of other people.
You don’t have to go out into the scary unknown. You can cling to what you know instead, of what is familiar and safe even if it’s now just a dream of what you once had.
I have not let go of things in the past because of these reasons. I still sometimes delay letting go of things because of those benefits above.
But I am also conscious of the fact that they are something I get out of not letting go. And I know that in the end, they are not worth it.
Because…
What will the long-term consequences be in my life if I do not let go?
How will it affect the next 5 years in my life and the relationships I have with other people and with myself?
The mix of knowing how those benefits will hurt me in the long run and of knowing that there are even bigger benefits that I can get from letting go becomes a powerful motivator that pushes me on to let go for my own sake and happiness.
Step 2: Accept what is, then let go.
When you accept what is, that this has happened then it becomes easier to let go.
Why?
Because when you’re still struggling in your mind against what has happened then you feed that memory or situation with more energy. You make what someone said or did even bigger and more powerful in your mind than it might have been in reality.
By accepting that it simply has happened and letting it in instead of trying to push it away something odd happens after a while.
The issue or your memory of the situation becomes less powerful in your mind. You don’t feel as upset or sad about it as you did before. You become less emotionally attached to it.
And so it becomes easier to let go and for you to move on with your life.
Step 3: Forgive.
If someone wrongs you then it will probably cause you to pain for a while.
But after that, you have a choice. You can refuse to let go of what happened. And instead, let it interfere with your relationship and replay what happened over and over in your mind.
Or you can choose to forgive.
First accepting what happened can be helpful to make it easier to forgive.
Another thing you can do is not to focus on forgiving because it is “something you’re supposed to do”.
Instead, if you like, find the motivation to forgive for your own sake. Do it for your own well-being, happiness and for the time you have left in your life.
The Keys to the Kingdom by Edna J. White page 3 reads:
“Forgiveness means to lose in thought and memory from all association with the wrongs committed against us. We are to treat that person as though no wrong had been done at all, to sever all connections between the wrong-doer and the wrongdoing. This willful conscious choice takes place in our soul. This is the way God forgives us daily remembering no more the wrong we have done and loving us as though we had never sinned against Him.”
And just because you forgive does not mean that you have to stay passive towards your future. You may, for example, choose to forgive but also to spend less time or no time in the future with someone who has hurt you.
Step 4: Focus on what you CAN influence in your life.
By reliving what happened over and over in your mind you aren’t really changing anything. Unless you have a time-machine you don’t have any control over the past.
And being distracted or worried by things that you cannot control in your life in any way right now is a waste of energy.
So ask yourself:
What CAN I focus my time and energy on instead to actually make positive progress or a change in my life?
And what is one small step I can take today to get started with that?
My experience has been that by switching my focus from what I cannot influence to what I actually have influence over and by doing that over and over again – by using questions like the ones above – it becomes easier and easier to stop worrying and to let go of what has happened or what I cannot control.
Step 5: Let go again (if you need to).
If you let go of something that happened or some distraction in your life then that might not be the end of it.
Life is not always that neat. The issue or distraction might pop up again.
Then let it go once more.
I have found that each time I let something go it pops up less and less frequently and it has less power over me.
Plus, this extra practice will make it easier to let go of the future. Letting go is something you’ll get better at over time just like for example keeping an optimistic mindset during tough times.
—David Foster Wallace
The new moon was beautiful, but it lasted only so long. Once it was over, it was over.
In time, perfection is tainted by life’s hurried blemishes, to die a thousand deaths.
We often look at the things we enjoy—relationships, experiences, possessions—and we want to hold on to them forever. We expect that these things will continue to add the same value to our lives, day in and day out. However, they don't and we tend to hang on to that past value for dear life, like a wild animal to its season's first food.
And letting go of distractions or huge mental burdens (that can also become physical as stress and worries pile up), can be just that type of feat.
Today, I hope I can share some techniques for letting go of emotional suffering. The best way to get rid of painful and negative emotions is to let them go. Learning to let go of the emotions is extremely difficult.
Letting go of emotional suffering associated with negative emotions is not the same thing as letting go of the emotions themselves. Letting go of suffering is a process that we can learn. We do not mean pushing away or sitting on the emotions. The emotions are valid and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful. What we are talking about is dealing with these emotions in a new way that will relieve some of the sufferings that go with them.
In learning to let go of our emotional suffering,
we use mindfulness to observe and describe the emotions and
We learn to get some distance from our emotions, to stand back and observe them. If we can get a distance, we can see them more clearly. Try getting some distance from a painful emotion that you have. Put it over there and look at it, maybe as if it were on a screen or a stage.
Describe in words what the experience of that emotion is like. This also helps to give you distance and perspective. By looking at your emotions, you are exposing yourself to them, looking and describing, not necessarily acting on them, and not being swallowed by or overwhelmed by them.
It is not always easy. But it can be life-changing.
In this blog, you can find a few steps that have made it easier for me to let go over the years.
I hope they will help you too.
Step 1: Know the benefits of not letting go.
Why is it sometimes hard to let go of something?
Well, to be honest, there are advantages and benefits to not letting go. At least for instant gratification and in the short run.
You get to keep feeling like you are right. And like the other person is wrong. And that can be a pleasant feeling and way to look at the situation at hand.
You can assume the victim role. And get the attention, support, and comfort of other people.
You don’t have to go out into the scary unknown. You can cling to what you know instead, of what is familiar and safe even if it’s now just a dream of what you once had.
I have not let go of things in the past because of these reasons. I still sometimes delay letting go of things because of those benefits above.
But I am also conscious of the fact that they are something I get out of not letting go. And I know that in the end, they are not worth it.
Because…
What will the long-term consequences be in my life if I do not let go?
How will it affect the next 5 years in my life and the relationships I have with other people and with myself?
The mix of knowing how those benefits will hurt me in the long run and of knowing that there are even bigger benefits that I can get from letting go becomes a powerful motivator that pushes me on to let go for my own sake and happiness.
Step 2: Accept what is, then let go.
When you accept what is, that this has happened then it becomes easier to let go.
Why?
Because when you’re still struggling in your mind against what has happened then you feed that memory or situation with more energy. You make what someone said or did even bigger and more powerful in your mind than it might have been in reality.
By accepting that it simply has happened and letting it in instead of trying to push it away something odd happens after a while.
The issue or your memory of the situation becomes less powerful in your mind. You don’t feel as upset or sad about it as you did before. You become less emotionally attached to it.
And so it becomes easier to let go and for you to move on with your life.
Step 3: Forgive.
If someone wrongs you then it will probably cause you to pain for a while.
But after that, you have a choice. You can refuse to let go of what happened. And instead, let it interfere with your relationship and replay what happened over and over in your mind.
Or you can choose to forgive.
First accepting what happened can be helpful to make it easier to forgive.
Another thing you can do is not to focus on forgiving because it is “something you’re supposed to do”.
Instead, if you like, find the motivation to forgive for your own sake. Do it for your own well-being, happiness and for the time you have left in your life.
The Keys to the Kingdom by Edna J. White page 3 reads:
“Forgiveness means to lose in thought and memory from all association with the wrongs committed against us. We are to treat that person as though no wrong had been done at all, to sever all connections between the wrong-doer and the wrongdoing. This willful conscious choice takes place in our soul. This is the way God forgives us daily remembering no more the wrong we have done and loving us as though we had never sinned against Him.”
And just because you forgive does not mean that you have to stay passive towards your future. You may, for example, choose to forgive but also to spend less time or no time in the future with someone who has hurt you.
Step 4: Focus on what you CAN influence in your life.
By reliving what happened over and over in your mind you aren’t really changing anything. Unless you have a time-machine you don’t have any control over the past.
And being distracted or worried by things that you cannot control in your life in any way right now is a waste of energy.
So ask yourself:
What CAN I focus my time and energy on instead to actually make positive progress or a change in my life?
And what is one small step I can take today to get started with that?
My experience has been that by switching my focus from what I cannot influence to what I actually have influence over and by doing that over and over again – by using questions like the ones above – it becomes easier and easier to stop worrying and to let go of what has happened or what I cannot control.
Step 5: Let go again (if you need to).
If you let go of something that happened or some distraction in your life then that might not be the end of it.
Life is not always that neat. The issue or distraction might pop up again.
Then let it go once more.
I have found that each time I let something go it pops up less and less frequently and it has less power over me.
Plus, this extra practice will make it easier to let go of the future. Letting go is something you’ll get better at over time just like for example keeping an optimistic mindset during tough times.
Thanks for this Edna! It is so true, sometimes taking that time to find yourself is put on the back burner, when it really should be front and center so that you can be the best you can be and be able to have more to offer others in the process.
ReplyDelete